The Thorns and their Roses
by Kay Novella
Summary: Hikaru is a new Freshman in college and he has no friends. Well aside from his lifelong friend Cherry and new housemates Usami and Misaki. As if going to college and working part time weren't enough, Hikaru now has to help a total stranger named Asahina get the girl of his dream. Could his life be anymore complicated.
1. Chapter 1

I could tell exactly what he was thinking when I stepped across the threshold into the luxurious apartment, _who the hell is this guy? _

"Misaki, this is Hikaru," Usami introduced me to the college student standing in the kitchen. "He's going to stay with us for a little while."

I watched him study me for a few moments, sizing me up. I didn't mind, this happened quite often; I merely waited for him to finish and offer whatever lame greeting he could manage in his surprise. Usami-san was never very good at keeping people up-to-date with his plans, no matter how important they were. Poor kid; I could barely manage being his friend, let alone his boyfriend.

"Well…welcome then!" Misaki said brightly, smiling in welcome. I forced the corners of my mouth to turn up weakly before kicking off my shoes and following Usami-san into the apartment.

"I'm still working on dinner, but it should be ready soon," Misaki informed us as Usami-san patted his head affectionately before heading up the sloping staircase. "Working as usual," he grumbled happily but all I could think was _who the hell has a full staircase in their apartment?!_

I had known Usami-san for thirteen years, since I had been four years old, but I had never seen his apartment. It was much more modern than the mansion he had grown up in, with huge windows, vast rooms decorated with barely any furniture, and a huge kitchen area constructed entirely of metal fixtures and black marble counters. It didn't really surprise me, Usami-san had always hated his old life, house included with all its old dusty furniture.

I stood awkwardly in the middle of the huge room, unsure as what to do with myself in this luxurious environment_. What should I do? Try to talk to Misaki? Offer to help make dinner? Try to find my room?_ As I pondered this I stared at one of the huge panes of glass adorning the walls of the apartment, studying my face reflected back at me. As usual it looked passive, uncaring, apathetic; nothing would hint at the inner turmoil inside, constantly worrying about what to do next.

Finally Misaki spoke, saving me from the unpleasantness of having to decide what to say. "We have a minute while this is in the oven, do you want me to help you with your bags?" He was smiling brightly, as though helping me drag heavy suitcases up the stairs to my room was the ultimate goal of his life.

"It's ok," I sighed, again managing to sound as though I couldn't care less, though I was relieved to finally have something to occupy my mind. "If you can just show me where the room is, I'm pretty sure I can manage by myself."

"Really, I want to help," he was still smiling broadly, "where are your bags?"

I pulled at the backpack strap cutting into my shoulder, "this is it," I told him and watched his smile falter slightly in surprise. I barely even owned enough to fill the backpack.

"Ok, well I'll show you to the spare bedroom then," he replied, the smile back again in full force. The friendly grin was beginning to unnerve me; from what Usami-san told me, Misaki was usually a contrary person, always protesting and resenting any requests. I wondered if maybe he was wrong Misaki seemed very friendly to me, but then again I wasn't dating him.

"Here it is," he told me, pulling me out of my thoughts. He pushed the door open, working against the plush carpet on the other side holding the door closed. The room on the other side of the door appeared very simple; a plain beige bedspread, huge picture window, long wooden dresser, and a small desk in the corner. The walls were decorated with safe pictures like mountain landscapes, seashores, and bowls of fruit. A lonely potted bonsai tree sat on the dresser and a book sat on the desk, other than that, the room was empty, and I couldn't be any more grateful.

"It's the plainest room in the apartment," Misaki said suddenly, making me jump, I'd completely forgotten he was there. "You're lucky," he continued, "I've lived here for months now and I'm still not used to it."

It was then that I remembered what Usami-san had told me about Misaki's past. Dead parents, lived with his brother, poor family. Almost sounded like my family, but not quite. "It's weird," I mumbled, just to say something.

He nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah, everyone thinks us poor kids would give anything to live like this but really…" he stopped suddenly and glanced at me out of the corner of his eye, as though wondering if he had gone too far.

"It just makes us feel awkward," I finished for him.

"Exactly."

We stood there awkwardly for a few more minutes until I broke the silence.

"Hey Misaki."

"Yeah?"

I pointed to the smoke beginning to rise out of the oven, "I think you're burning dinner."

It was the door smacking me in the back of the head that woke me the next morning. Somehow during the night I had crawled out of the feather mattress bed and onto the plush carpeted floor. I wasn't used to excessive comfort, and I couldn't wait till I was able to move out.

"Um, Hikaru, what are you doing on the ground?" Misaki inquired from the doorway.

I sat up and rubbed my sore head grumpily. I'm not a very cheerful person at any time of the day, but I was especially grumpy in the morning. "Why do you care?" I snapped, but instantly regretted it as the smile dropped off his face. Shit. _Why am I always snapping at people?_

"Well, um, breakfast is downstairs and class is going to start in an hour. I just wanted to make sure you had time to get ready."

_Damn it, he has to be so nice about it too._ I preferred it when people just yelled back at me; that way I didn't feel as guilty.

"Whatever," I mumbled as he began to close the door. This time he just scowled at me before slamming the door in my face. _I guess I deserved that._

I sighed and pulled myself off the floor. Drowsily I contemplated my reflection in the oversized mirror. A pale and haggard face stared back at me, half hidden by my messy black hair constantly hanging in my face. I pushed the bangs to the side and looked into my bright blue eyes. Sister Ai, the lady who ran the orphanage, once told me that eyes were gateways to the soul. I couldn't see anything in mine; they were just empty like the rest of me. Sometimes I thought I could see my mom's soul, the one I inherited the eyes from, but I always tore my gaze away.

Other guys had always made fun of me for my looks, but for whatever reason, I was always pretty popular when it came to girls. Usami-san and Hiroki-san had always teased me, saying that it was my big eyes, delicate features, and the fact that I couldn't gain weight to save my life. My friend Cherry said it was because I was a project. Either way, I wasn't interested.

I groaned as I dropped my black hair back over my face. What a stupid way for a guy to look. The only thing that even suited me was the constant scowl and vapid eyes. Then there were the scars, one that ran from my shoulder to my hip that I got in a car wreck, and one across my arm I got from a knife when I was four. Even those seemed to belong to a different person, even if I could remember the pain as they were carved into my skin.

I shook the memories out of my head and began rummaging through the drawer of the dresser I had filled the night before. I pulled out my favorite t-shirt, the plain black one, and noticed a huge brown stain on the front. Confused, I inspected all my clothes, finding the same spot on all of them. It was then that I remembered the man who had spilled the coffee on my backpack on the train the day before.

I sighed again and rubbed my head; the sun had barely risen and already it was beginning to ache. It was going to be one of those days.

Since Usami-san insisted on giving Misaki a ride to the college that morning, I walked there alone. The college was huge and imposing, with shining wrought iron gates and creaking oak doors. The green fields of the campus stretched out around the building, with carved wooden benches in the shade of sakura trees. The students around me were dressed in the same kind of clothes, with the popular hairstyles and popular personalities. I could almost feel their gazes on me as I passed by. By all appearances, they probably thought I was just like them, but they were wrong. People like me didn't belong in places like this.

_You promised him, _the voice I hate chastised me from the back of my head, the same one that had made feel guilty for snapping at Misaki that morning. _You promised him that you wouldn't let them into your future. _But how do you separate two things as important as your past and the future?

"Hikaru! Hey, Hikaru!" a voice cried out from the street behind me. I turned to find Cherry dashing across the road to join me at the gates of the school. Cherry had been my friend since we started middle school together as the new students; she was new because her father was transferred from Sapporo; and me, because I had been sent to the nearby orphanage. She was always happy, laughing, smiling. It was refreshing to see someone who saw each new day as a present to receive, instead of knowing the truth like the rest of us. Only she was able to make me smile then.

"Hey Cherry," I mumbled dryly. She was my best friend, but there were some habits I couldn't break even with her.

She pouted her cherry red lips after which she was named and crossed her arms. "You give the worst hellos out of everyone I know," she informed me. It didn't surprise me that she thought this; Cherry was one of those people who made everyone happy just to see her in the morning. They probably fell all over themselves trying to make her feel welcome. Honestly, I think the reason I was her best friend is because I didn't treat her the same way as everyone else, which annoyed as much as pleased her.

I shrugged at her comment and continued walking to the building. I let her chatter of how amazing college was going to be and how exciting it was to start a new life guide me through the rest of the day, only taking a break occasionally to listen to professors drone on and on about how their classes will be useful to us in the future. Nothing ever gets done on the first day of school, even in college.

She even went with me to visit Hiroki-san, who was now a professor at the university and whom Cherry made it very clear she didn't enjoy talking to. I had met Hiroki-san the same day I met Usami-san thirteen years ago. For whatever reason, they had always allowed my annoying four-year old self to tag along with them, even though they were eleven years older than me. They probably just felt sorry for me, but they were the only two closer to me than Cherry was, which made up the entirety of my pleasant relationships.

It was that first day of college when Cherry and I were walking back to the train station after school that I noticed Asahina, Satoru for the first time. I could always tell when an admirer of Cherry's nearby, which was quite often. I had never considered her romantically myself, but as her best friend I considered it my duty to protect her from the perverted guys trying to take advantage of her. Over the years, my sense of interested boys became impeccable, and this guy was definitely one of them. Throughout the day I noticed him glancing at her from the corner of his eye and blushing profusely. Even as we were walking home, he was walking along casually behind us as though he just happened to be going the same way we were, but I noticed him watching her.

He didn't seem to be much of a threat though. He was certainly one of the preppy popular types with his strong, athletic build, but didn't seem to care about his appearance much. Instead of wearing the popular, flashy designer clothes he simply wore a long sleeved shirt and jeans. His blonde hair was only slightly ruffled, not gelled and carefully crafted like some people. Light green eyes peeked out from behind his bangs, and he was constantly fiddling with his school bag. No tattoos, no weird piercings, no cigarettes. He seemed a lot better than some of the other guys I'd seen watching her today, but following us around was definitely creepy. No, he wouldn't do for her.

"So what do you think Hikaru-san?" Cherry asked suddenly, pulling me out of contemplation of the guy following us and back into our conversation.

"About what?" I asked blankly.

"What do you mean about what? You weren't listening to me?"

"I was kinda distracted."

"By what?"

I just sighed; I didn't want Cherry to know about the boy that had been following us. She was a hopeless romantic and was constantly on the hunt for "Mr. Right." The last thing she needed was encouragement.

"Nothing, what were you saying?"

Once again her grin was back full force, she reminded me of Misaki that way. What made people like that anyway? Whatever it was, I needed more of it. "I was talking about your birthday silly!" she cried excitedly, "It's only a few weeks away isn't it?"

"It's in two months Cherry." In fact, it was exactly forty days away, five weeks and five days. I never forgot this day. Ever.

Cherry laughed cheerfully, "Not that you're keeping track or anything right Hikaru?"

"Two months is a little early to plan anything isn't it?"

"But it's your eighteenth birthday! That's a huge deal! And how many seventeen year olds do you know who are going to college!"

"You said you wouldn't mention that anymore, Cherry." The thing about Cherry is that she's just a bit of an airhead. She's also always calling me a genius just because I managed to skip a grade in elementary school, and got a full ride scholarship to the university we were attending. I always hated it when she called me that.

"Well, I'm just jealous, that's all. So about your birthday…"

"Look, Cherry, not that this isn't fun but I have to go to work." We were now at the train station where Cherry would head east back to her apartment, and I was heading west to the city to get to my job at the pet store.

"Why do you always act like this around your birthday Hikaru-san? You've never done anything for your birthday before. This is the first year I even knew when it was, and we've been friends since we were twelve."

"Your birthday is only a couple weeks away Cherry," I said blankly, "focus on that instead." She looked a little dejected, but she didn't say anything more, and turned east with a huff, not even bothering to say goodbye. I shrugged and boarded the train; I knew she would get over it quickly. I never even noticed when the other guy kept following me away from Cherry onto the train to the city.

"Hikaru! Get these bags to the other shelves! Were you the one that put them here! Honestly, I should just fire you now and save myself the trouble!"

Oh yeah, it was one of those days alright. One of those days where you could throw yourself to the ground and miss, as Cherry-san always said.

Slowly, I dragged myself to the back of the store where the new employee had stuck all the dog food where the rat and mouse food was supposed to go. _He probably screwed up the rest of the food too. And you know who'll have to be the one to fix it. Of course it would have to be the boss's son, so I can't say anything. _As I was finally getting the last bag of food onto the shelf where it belonged I was summoned again by the manager.

"Hikaru! There's someone here at the counter for you!"

_Someone's here for me? Who the hell could it be? I haven't even told anyone that I work here. _The manager was glaring at me as I passed him on the way toward the front of the store. "You keep these personal visits to a minimum, you hear me?" he hissed as he walked by and I nodded slightly. Great. At this rate, I would be fired by the end of the month.

I froze as soon as I realized who was at the counter. _Shit, and here I thought this day couldn't get any worse. _It was him, the guy who had been following me and Cherry that afternoon. He was inspecting a snake lying lazily under its heat lamp before noticing me standing there and his face slowly reddened as he noticed my expression.

"You saw me this afternoon, didn't you?" he moaned and I felt my face fall back into its default expression, blankness. "I'll take that as a yes," he continued and ran his hand through his hair exasperatedly. "I'm not always a creepy stalker you know."

I didn't say anything. _Let him make his excuses, I'm not going to change my mind. _His face was quickly turning as red as the rainforest frog in the cage behind him. _Is this guy going to be ok? If you could die from embarrassment, he'll be dead by the time I leave. _

"Why aren't you saying anything?" he inquired abashedly.

"Because I still think you're a creep who's stalking my friend."

"Y-your friend?" he stammered. "I wasn't following your friend, I was looking for you."

_Me? What the hell was he following me for? I'm not a girl for him to date. What a freak. _

"Well, that sure changes things; it's obvious now I have nothing to be worried about."

"Um, that kinda came out wrong."

"You think?"

He glared down at the snake's cage and began drumming his fingers on the counter. "Ok, I know that was weird, but can't you at least give me a chance to explain?"

"You could've started whenever you wanted."

He rolled his eyes and finally turned back to me, "You don't remember me do you?"

"This doesn't sound much like an explanation."

"My name is Asahina Satoru; I went to the same high school as you."

"Did you stalk me and my friend back then too?"

"_No, I did not!_" the words were so forceful the surrounding customers and employees turned to look at us.

He sighed again deeply, "Look, I just noticed you were…popular in school, you know what I mean?"

"You mean with girls?"

He laughed bitterly, "So you did notice."

"It's hard not to, but to be honest, I couldn't care less."

"Well, I was just wondering…if you could, I don't know, give me some advice I guess. On how to, you know, get girls to like you."

"I highly doubt you have so much trouble getting a girlfriend that you would need help from me."

"Well, you kind of know her, so I thought your advice would be especially helpful."

"So it was Cherry you were interested in."

He looked shocked at this discovery. "H-how did you…"

_Because I only have three friends and only one of them is a girl. _I thought bitterly to myself, but instead I said, "I just have a feeling when it comes to stuff like this."

"Great! I knew you'd be good at this! So will you do it then?!"

All of a sudden Asahina's face alighted, and all traces of embarrassment vanished. I was perplexed at his change of emotion. _He's so weird. And he followed me and Cherry around today, which is too freaky to describe. And he pisses me off. _I glanced at his delighted, hopeful face. _It's that same smile as Cherry's and Misaki's, only he uses it to manipulate people, and here I thought he was harmless this afternoon. _

"I'm not helping you with anything," I growled. The shocked look on his face gave me a strange satisfied feeling. "You're a creep, and there's no way Cherry would ever like you. Don't even waste your time."

I watched the anger grow on his face until he finally exploded, "I don't usually do stuff like this! I just need your help ok!? Believe me, I wouldn't be asking _you _of all people unless I _had _to!"

"Well you can just go find someone else!"

Suddenly I felt a heavy hand fall harshly onto my shoulder. I turned slowly to find the manager glaring at me as though I were the spawn of Satan.

"That's it Hikaru, first screwing up the shelves, and now arguing with customers! You're fired!" he yelled and yanked the itchy orange vest right off my shoulders before shoving me out the door. I could see Asahina watching us, too shocked to say anything as my boss pushed me out onto the street. I didn't do anything to defend myself. Once again I could feel the blank apathy set into my face as he added, "And don't you ever come back to this store again! You hear me? My son told me all about you and your criminal parents!"

I merely turned and began hurrying down the street. _What does he know? "You and your criminal parents;" he doesn't know anything, and neither does that stupid Asahina kid. _Angrily I began searching through my pockets, looking for my train pass. _Damn, I really needed that money. Now I'm never going to be able to move out of Usami-san's apartment…and where the hell is that pass?!_

I groaned; I had probably dropped it somewhere on the ground while I was rushing down the street, hoping Asahina wouldn't catch up to me. _What's the harm? _The annoying voice asked in the back of my head. _Would it really be so bad if he was dating Cherry-san? Why not help them if you can?_

Resentfully, I turned and began to inspect the ground I had traversed on my escape from the pet shop. _Because he's a creepy stalker! _I told the voice, but it just responded with, _you don't know him any more than he knows you. _This made me stop and gaze at the dark cement. It was then that I realized how dark the street was and how deserted the buildings looked, not a single light was shining on the whole street. This street was always the same, always dark, always lonely…

"I think you dropped this," I jumped in surprise and jerked my head around to see none other than the one person I was trying to avoid holding my train pass. Slowly, I took it from Asahina's hands and turned it over in my own.

"Thanks," I muttered softly.

"Well, can we say you owe me now?" he asked, smiling ruefully.

I laughed bitterly, so much for wanting to help him out. "What do you mean I owe you? I don't owe you anything!"

I waved the card slightly, "Thanks for the card, but I hardly think it's worth my time to help you."

"What do you mean? Do you have anything better to do? As far as I can see you were just fired."

"Yeah, thanks to you, Asahina! Do you know how much I needed that job?!"

"Well, what if I paid you? You know, for helping me."

"You think you can just buy me off?"

"Look, all I want is some help ok? If Cherry doesn't want to go out with me, and if you still don't approve, I'll back off. But until then, what's the harm in giving me a chance, especially if I can make up for getting you fired."

I sighed and began turning the card faster and faster in my hands, that annoying voice yelling at me in the back of my mind to say yes, to help someone.

"Fine," I muttered.

"Oh come on would it really be that…Wait," he stopped suddenly and I saw his eyes widen, even in the darkness of the street. "So, you'll really do it?! You're really going to help me?!"

It was that stupid smile again, the one full of joy that finally got to me. "I said I would, didn't I?"

I turned sharply on my heel and began to walk away, "I have other jobs, not to mention college and homework. So we're going to do it on my schedule. And you better be grateful for…"

I was cut off by a sudden embrace from behind. "A-Asahina, what are you…"

"Thank you so much Hikaru," he murmured. His arms were warm, and surprisingly gentle; and I hated having them around me. I shoved them off and continued hurrying down the street while he stood behind me, still grinning.

"If you really want to thank me then keep your emotions to yourself." Yep, this was definitely one of those days.

I was working on advanced math homework that night when a knock on the door knocked me out of my trance.

"It opens," I called, trying to focus on my math problem again. Usami-san entered the room, looking around at the emptiness of it as he made his way over to the bed.

"This room looks the same as it did when no one lived in it," he told me.

I shrugged, still staring at the problem. "There's nothing for me to fill it with," I said nonchalantly.

"I could always get you something. Do you want to go shopping tomorrow?"

I sighed exasperatedly, giving up on my math and turning to face Usami-san. "I don't want you to buy me anything Usami-san. Go spend your money on Misaki. Besides, I have somewhere I have to be tomorrow."

"Oh, where's that? Yet another job?"

"No, I'm helping out someone from school."

"A friend?"

"Hell no."

"Why would you help them out then? From the goodness of your own heart?" he laughed. We both knew I avoided social interaction as much as possible.

"I was bribed."

"Of course you were." He sighed deeply and looked at me sadly. "You should really try to make some more friends Hikaru-kun."

I could feel annoyance building up inside me. Usami-san had always been way too overprotective, always asking me about every aspect of my life and hovering around like a traditional helicopter parent. Maybe it was because he was eleven years older, or maybe he knew he was the closest to family I was ever going to get. He was more annoying than Cherry-san, at least I could get her off subject easily, but Usami-san always managed to see right through me.

"What did you say you came in here for?" I asked. I didn't like where this conversation was going, and I wanted to get him out of there as soon as possible.

"Your boss from the pet store called; he said something about not getting your paycheck since you were fired. What happened?"

"Nothing major," I sighed. _Of course that cheap skate wouldn't pay me. _I thought to myself. "I guess they just couldn't afford to pay me anymore."

Usami-san didn't look convinced. He reached over to the bedside table and began rummaging around in the drawer, pulling out a pharmacy bottle.

"Wha-what are you doing!" I protested. "You can't just go through my stuff like that!"

"Are you still taking your medication?" he asked, ignoring my shouts.

I flushed and turned back to my homework. "You're too nosy," I told him, "I don't need to tell you everything about my life."

"You wouldn't even have a life if it weren't for these," he pointed out, shaking the bottle to make his point.

That struck a little too close to home. I gripped the edges of the desk, my knuckles turning white in agitation.

"I'm not a stupid kid anymore," I muttered angrily, "I can take care of myself."

"I know," he sighed, standing and dropping the bottle back into the drawer. He walked behind me, and leaned over, inspecting my homework.

_What the hell? He just agreed that I'm not a kid and immediately starts looking over my homework._

"Go away Usami-san. I don't need anybody checking my answers! You'd probably make me get it wrong anyway." I shoved him toward the door, but he just laughed, knowing better than to take me seriously.

"Number one's wrong," he informed me.

"What?" I hurriedly checked over the math on the first problem, mentally checking off the steps. He was right.

"You're still just a kid," he laughed and made his way out the door, leaving me no chance to protest.


	2. Chapter 2

Asahina was persistent to get started with our lessons immediately so the next day after leaving Cherry-san at the train station I made my way to his apartment. Because he didn't have classes that afternoon, he told me that he would be waiting there for me. I wasn't sure how to feel about the current arrangement. All I knew was that I just wanted to make Cherry-san happy and that Asahina seemed like a good prospect. Well, that's what I told myself. Really I just needed a job and since my old boss had told all the nearby store owners about me, there weren't that many options.

I was relieved to see that Asahina lived in a regular apartment building, suggesting that the apartment was equally modest. He buzzed me up immediately, even before I could tell him who it was.

"Hey there Hikaru-san," he greeted me as he opened the door to the apartment for me.

"Don't call me 'Hikaru-san' like we're great friends."

He gave me a withering look and seemed to be debating over whether it was worth arguing. He must have decided that it wasn't because he didn't respond.

"You can come in, just put your backpack in the living room next to mine," he said instead and moved into the apartment, leaving the door slightly ajar for me to follow.

I was right to assume the apartment was that of a regular college student, and I couldn't be any more grateful. The situation was awkward enough; the last thing I needed was an obvious abundance of money to make me feel even more uncomfortable. The short carpeted hallway led the way to the living room on the right where there was a simple threadbare couch pushed against the far wall, across the room from a small tv on a folding table. A small writing desk was shoved under a window into the corner of the room piled high with books and supporting the weight of Asahina's bookbag. I set mine against his and moved on to join him in the kitchen.

He was wiping what remained of his dinner preparations off of the counter and moved to the table as I surveyed the equally small room adorned with the basic appliances, not entirely marble and chrome like Usami-san's kitchen. There was a worn but solid set of chairs and a table along with a potted plant on the verge of death. A huge window that took up most of the wall to display the rest of the city; it was obviously the only bragging point of the entire apartment.

"So what's first?" he inquired as I took a seat in front of a steaming mug of tea. I was grateful; it was exactly what I needed to make it through the rest of the day.

"Next week is Cherry-san's birthday, so we're going to go out and find her a present."

"Her birthday is next week? I can't believe I didn't even know!"

I shrugged, "It's not exactly like you've known her very long."

"Well, what should I do for her?" he asked excitedly, "Should I plan a date somewhere like a restaurant or something? Does she like the beach, or maybe the zoo? What about a present? Should I get her some jewelry, or flowers, or both? Does she like stuffed animals?"

"Whoa there lover boy, you need to calm down," I interrupted. "You barely know her, you have to chill out a little or you'll come off as a creep again."

His grin dropped right off his face and he turned to me as though he had forgotten I was even there. "Why would that make me look like a creep? I just really want to do something nice for her."

I shook my head; this guy was hopeless.

"If you do too much, she'll wonder why you're making such an effort. It will seem suspicious."

Asahina seemed to consider this for a bit before laughing somewhat bitterly, "I guess that's what you get for trying to do something nice for someone in this world huh?"

"Yeah, tell me about it," I muttered and immediately clamped my mouth shut. _Shit, _I thought as Asahina's head whipped around to face me, in complete shock that I had agreed with something he had said. I didn't want him getting the wrong idea. I didn't want him getting too comfortable around me.

"Will you come with me," he asked timidly, "to help find her a present?"

"Duh, there's no way I would trust you to find something for her by yourself. You would probably buy her a private island if I left you alone."

He laughed and pushed back from the table. "Ok then, do you want to get started now?"

I shrugged and stood up before placing my now empty tea mug into the crowded sink. It shouldn't have taken more than a couple of hours, I assumed I'd have plenty of time to make it to my job and finish my homework. There was nothing to lose.

"Asahina will you make a freaking decision already?!" I yelled as he debated over what color of roses to get Cherry. After four hours of wandering around town looking for "the perfect gift" we had finally ended up at the flower shop. So far I had to talk Asahina out of multiple pieces of jewelry including a necklace, charm bracelet, and a ring (too fancy, too personal, what are you going to do, ask her to marry you?) I had to make him reconsider his plans to take her to a fancy restaurant, the zoo, and the beach. Now I was trying to convince him not to get the dozen red or white roses.

"I just can't decide which ones she'd like better," he told me before going back to staring at the flowers.

"I already told you, you shouldn't get either of them. Roses in general seem way too romantic for someone you barely know."

"Well I have to do at least _something_ slightly romantic, or she won't know I'm interested in her."

"Why don't you get her something different instead, like the orchids? Those are her favorite flowers anyway."

"Orchids aren't romantic though." Asahina argued and continued to stare down at the roses.

"Asahina, she doesn't even like roses much. I think she'd much rather have the orchids."

"Hikaru-san if you had your way I wouldn't get her anything at all!" he finally shouted in frustration. People in the shop turned to stare at us and he quickly buried his face in the flowers while I stared at him in shock. I didn't think he would yell like that.

"You don't get it," he muttered into the petals, "You've never liked someone like this before. Even if you did all you would have to do is walk by and she'd be all over you. You could have your pick of any girl at the school, but when anyone asks you to consider them you shut them down without even having the decency to look upset about it."

He turned toward me angrily and there was so much resentment in his face I took a step backward.

"You don't even know what its like to care about someone." He told me finally and turned to walk to the cash register, red roses in hand. I was surprised to find that my fists were clenched at my sides. Yeah, what Asahina said hurt, but it wasn't like I hadn't heard worse before; usually my face stayed blank and unfeeling no matter what anybody said to me.

"I care enough about Cherry-san to know that she would rather have orchids than some cliché red roses," I told him blankly. Even though I couldn't see him I knew he had stopped in his tracks. I heard his shoes squeak on the tile as he turned back and dropped the roses back into the water.

"Fine, we'll do it your way," he said. As he was purchasing the orchids I studied the black roses and lilies in the back of the store, thinking about what Asahina had said; it all sounded so familiar.

_Too soon, _I decided as I left the mourning flowers behind and followed Asahina out of the store, _I'll wait a few more weeks. _

By the time we got back to the apartment it was already dark outside and I realized I'd have to call my boss and tell him I had gotten sick. There was no way I would make it in time. As I was fake coughing my way through the lie I watched Asahina lay the painstakingly selected presents out on the table. There were the budding orchids, a little card, and a stuffed duck I had insisted on getting in place of the teddy bear because it was her favorite animal.

"How many jobs do you have anyway?" He asked when I hung up the phone.

"That was boss number four."

"Why do you have so many jobs? Doesn't that get in the way of school?" he asked. I told him to mind his own business and we sat at the table awkwardly for a bit while he pulled the price tags off of the gifts and I scribbled away at my homework before heading back to Usami-san's for the night.

"Hikaru-san," he finally said, "I'm really sorry about what I said back in the flower shop." I looked up to see his face turned down the table. At this angle his eyes looked dark and his face was bright red. "I didn't mean it," he insisted, turning his almost tearful sea green eyes to me.

"Look Asahina," I sighed, "You're not the first one to like Cherry. She's had tons of boyfriends and even more admirers. She's gotten the roses, the jewelry, the teddy bears, the dates to the beaches and restaurants, she's seen it all. Not a single one of them ever bothered asking her what kind of flowers, animals, or places she actually liked. If you want to stand out to her, and if you want my help, you have to prove that you actually care about what she likes, not just the idea of wooing her."

"I do care about her!" he insisted as I began to pack up my now finished homework.

"I know you do," I murmured into my bag. As much as I hated to admit it, I knew Asahina cared about Cherry and making her happy more than any guy who had tried to date her before. _See, maybe he isn't so bad after all_, the voice in the back of my head told me and this time I couldn't tell it to shut up.

"That's why I got you these," I told him and tossed a couple of movie tickets onto the table. "Cherry's been wanting to see this movie since she saw the commercial, you should take her."

He just sat there, staring at the tickets like he expected them to melt away. Before I could prevent it Asahina had swooped me into a hug again.

"Thank you Hikaru!" he cried. I could tell without looking that damn smile was back on his face again.

"Knock it off you idiot!" I pushed him off me and hurried for the door before he could grab me again.

"I'm so grateful Hikaru! I really owe you one!"

"Funny how you keep saying that."

"I'll figure out something ok?"

"Whatever, I'll see you tomorrow," I said and pushed my way out the door. Once I was outside I leaned against the wall letting the voices argue in my head.

_ See how happy you made him?_

_ That was Cherry, not me._

_ Your help made it possible._

_ I didn't do this for him._

_ Then who did you do it for?_

That was a really good question.

The next morning I was woken by the sound of someone calling my name. At first I thought it was still a part of my dream, the one where my uncle and parents were walking ahead of me, but they were going too fast and no matter how fast I ran I wasn't able to catch up; the one where my throat was hoarse from calling out to them to stop, but they never answered. I thought they were calling back for once.

But no, it wasn't a part of my dream. As my eyes slowly opened I realized that the sound was coming from someone else, someone leaning down right in front of me, someone with sea green eyes.

"What the hell?!" I shouted, jumping up in surprise before my forehead collided with Asahina's with a sharp crack.

"Ow! That hurt!" He cried, jerking back from the bed, "What did you go and jump for?"

"Well what the hell were you doing hanging over me like that?!" I yelled back.

"I tried to call out to you, but you weren't waking up! I thought if I got closer…"

"Of course I wasn't waking up! This is the first morning that I haven't had to get up at four am all week! And how did you know where I live anyway?"

"Well I was going to invite you out for coffee as a thank you for those movie tickets, but I didn't have your number. I was on my way to that café on the corner when I ran into your roommate on the train. That was lucky for me huh?"

"My roommate?"

"You know, that college student with the brown hair. I think I've seen him around the school…"

I groaned. That stupid Misaki. Of course he would be the good samaritan who would try to help someone and end up leading them right into my bedroom. I sighed loudly and rubbed my head, trying to get the throbbing to stop. Asahina took the time to look around my room, taking in the bare furniture and walls. Everything I owned was tucked away in the drawers, and the only thing that showed I lived in here at all was the backpack in the corner. There was nothing to give him any clues about me, but still I felt like he'd invaded my privacy, like he suddenly knew everything about my personal life that I was trying so hard to keep secret.

"Are you still unpacking?" he asked, turning back to me.

"No, why?"

"Your room is so empty…"

"Is that what you came here to talk about?" I snapped harshly.

"I just wanted to do something to pay you back for the tickets. I didn't mean to invade your privacy or anything," he said softly, turning to look out the window with a look of embarrassment and I suddenly felt like a jerk. Sure he had surprised me and kind of barged in without my permission, but it wasn't like he had bad intentions. I was just being too defensive as usual.

_Well there is a way to make up for it, _the voice told me and I sighed in submission.

"Coffee sounds good. Just leave so I can get dressed ok?"

"Seriously? You're not going to drop kick me out the door or something?"

"I might if you don't leave and let me change," I responded, pulling my shirt off over my head as I got out of the bed. Too late I remembered the scar and froze when I saw Asahina's gaze fall on my chest.

His eyes widened a bit and it looked like he was about to say something so I turned away quickly, pretending like nothing was wrong as I rifled through the shirts in the drawer.

"Hikaru…" he started quietly.

"What now?"

He turned away again, blushing slightly. "Nothing, never mind. I'll go wait downstairs."

I hurried as quickly as I could to change. I didn't want to give Asahina too much time to talk to Usami-san about the scar or why I didn't have anything in my room. He'd already seen too much for one day.

"What can I get for you today?" The waitress asked, finally breaking the silence Asahina and I had kept going while we walked from Usami-san's apartment to the coffee shop. She was looking straight at me, but it was Asahina who answered first.

"A triple chocolate mocha for me please," he said brightly.

_God is he _trying_ to kill himself? If he keeps drinking stuff like that he'll be dead before he graduates. _

The waitress just scribbled down his order quickly, and looked back at me with a flirtatious grin. I kept my face blank.

"Just black coffee please."

"Are you sure you don't want anything else sir?" she asked, refusing to give up, "Are you sure you don't want something with a little…sugar?" she giggled, winking at me.

I sighed, rubbing my forehead which was beginning to throb again. _Why can't I go anywhere without someone bugging me? Can't everyone see that I just want to be left alone?_

"Just the coffee will be fine, thank you."

She blinked, a little surprised and dejected. It was probably rare for her to get rejected; she had pretty, curly hair and bright eyes and a great smile, boys probably flocked to her all the time. The color rose in her cheeks and her eyes flashed as she scribbled down my order angrily and stomped away from our table.

"Well that was intense," Asahina mumbled so she wouldn't hear. "Does that kind of thing happen to you a lot?"

"More than I care to think about."

"You could've been a little nicer to her; maybe she'll give you her number when she comes back if you ask nicely."

I shrugged, "I'm not interested. Why lead her on by pretending I am?"

He rolled his eyes and smiled kindly at the waitress as she stomped back over to the table, our drinks sloshing around the cups and spilling onto the floor.

"Here," she snapped, slamming the cups on the table.  
"Gee thanks," I muttered, but Asahina kept smiling at her.

"Hey miss?" he called and she turned back angrily.

"What do you want?"

"I just wanted to apologize for my friend here. He's had a rough morning."

_What the hell is he trying to do? _

"We're not friends Asahina." It was all I could think of to say, but he just laughed.

"See? He's like this with everyone. But you shouldn't let him get to you; you deserve better anyway."

_There's no way she's buying this_, I thought angrily, but when I looked at her the corners of her mouth were beginning to turn up just a bit.

"You really think so? What about you then?"

"Sadly, I'm already taken. But I think that guy in the corner is checking you out. You should talk to him."

She blushed and glanced to the corner Asahina was indicating. Sure enough, the guy there was staring at our table, and flushed when he noticed us all looking over at him.

"You know, I might just do that. Thank you."

"No problem."

He winked at me as she walked away and smirked into his cup.

"What are you, a host or something?" I asked bitterly.

"Hey, this host just got that girl to go away for you."

"I didn't need your help."

"From what I saw, you'd never be allowed in here again if I didn't do something."

"I never come here anyway."

"So where do you go for fun?"

"Shouldn't you be more concerned with where Cherry goes?"

He laughed, "You're really all business aren't you?"

"I didn't agree to this arrangement to make friends."

"Why did you do it then?"

This made me pause for a minute. It sounded just like the argument I was having with myself outside of Asahina's apartment the night before. What was I doing this for? What was I getting out of this? I had no idea.

"Why do you care? I agreed to help you, isn't that enough?"

"I guess you're right," he sighed, "So what did you end up getting for Cherry's birthday?"

"Just these mangas she really likes."

"Really? Which ones?"  
"They're yaois actually."

"Seriously?! She reads those?"

"Yeah, I got them signed by the author too."

"No way!" Asahina laughed, "I totally can't picture you doing that! Weren't you embarrassed?"

I smiled a little at this. It was actually Usami-san who'd written the books, and even though he was surprised I had them he agreed not to tell anyone as long as I didn't give away his pen name. And we both agreed not to mention anything to Cherry.

"You're a really good friend to go through that embarrassment for her," Asahina said, misreading the expression on my face for humiliation.

"R-really it wasn't a big deal."

In fact, it had been hard for me to have the courage to ask Usami-san to sign those books. I wasn't embarrassed, but I worried about getting him and Cherry involved with each other. What would Cherry tell Usami-san about me if they were left alone together? And worse, what would he tell her? I preferred to keep my school and home lives separate, without entanglements or complications. But Cherry-san loved the books so much and she was always talking about how much she wanted to meet the author or at least get a signed copy of the manga. So I broke my own rules and got Usami-san to sign them just for her.

"So I was thinking I'd introduce you and Cherry at school tomorrow," I told Asahina, trying to change the subject. "I'll just say you're one of my friends and you can get to know her for a couple of weeks before her birthday."

"T-tomorrow? Why so soon?"

"Don't tell me a host like you is scared of meeting her."

"Of course not! I'm really excited!" he cried, his face lighting up in that grin again. "But if you're going to say that we're friends, shouldn't we get to know each other a little?"

I groaned. Honestly, I was just hoping Cherry-san would be too distracted to notice how hard it was for me and Asahina to get along. But he was right. I'd have to sacrifice just a little more to get them together.

"Fine. What do you want to know?"

"Well I don't know; what are you studying in college?"

"I'm working on my generals right now but I'm majoring in veterinary science. What about you?"

"I'm working on my education major."

"So you want to teach?"

"Yeah, I'm hoping to teach astronomy in high schools."

"That's kind of random. So you like stars?"

He got a sad look in his eyes then, like he was remembering something painful and he turned back to his drink. For some reason it made me think of him seeing my scar earlier that morning. I wondered if that's what my face looked like when he mentioned it.

"Yeah," he said softly, "I love them."

We were quiet for a minute after that until he thought of another question.

"So Cherry-san reads those mangas, do you read them too?"

"Of course not!"

"Well it would make sense. You don't really seem interested in girls…"

"I'm not really interested in anyone!"

"Well then what do you read Hikaru-san?" he laughed teasingly.

I glared at him, not amused. "Literature mostly, I really like Usami-san's books."

"Wait, that guy you live with is _the _Usami?!"

"Yeah, why?"

"My mom and I would read his books all the time! Can you believe that he was published so young? And his books are so interesting!"

I laughed, thinking of the Usami-san I knew who was always so grumpy in the morning and nosy about everything. I remembered when he was still writing those same stories in notebooks in the middle of the woods and only allowed me and Hiroki-san to read them. It was so strange to think that everyone in the world could read them now.

Asahina was staring at me in shock when I snapped out of my memories.

"What? Do I have something on my face or something?"

"No…I've just never seen you laugh before. I don't think I've ever seen you smile."

I felt the heat rush to my cheeks when he said this. Usually I didn't smile at all, and only rarely could my friends get me to laugh, but no one had ever pointed it out so openly before.

"What, am I not allowed to smile every once in a while?"

"Of course you are!" he said, the shock on his face slowly melting back into his ever-present grin. _No wonder he thinks it's weird when someone doesn't smile much. I don't think he ever stops. _

"In fact," he informed me, "I think you look really cute that way; much more approachable. You should smile more often."

_Did he, a guy, just say that I look cute when I smile? That's so weird! Doesn't he know what he's saying? Then again, I doubt that would stop him. He just says whatever he wants. _

_ Maybe that's what you like about him, _the voice responded, and I almost choked on my coffee in shock. Did I actually like Asahina? This dumb guy who had no regard for anyone's privacy and just said or did whatever he felt like? This guy who was so open about everything?

He waved the waitress back over and paid for our drinks while I sat there pondering this. I knew there was nothing really wrong with being his friend, but I didn't want a lot of friends. I didn't want my life to get any more complicated than it absolutely had to be. I'd had enough complications to last me the rest of my days.

"Where are you going now?" Asahina asked as we exited the coffee shop and walked out into the bright morning sunlight. Everyone was already bustling around us, off to their jobs or meetings, or a number of other possibilities. Suddenly I didn't really want to join them; I didn't want to go to another job and worry about school and money and the past. I just wanted to stay at the coffee shop and talk to someone and pretend like the world didn't exist.

"Just to the grocery store," I said finally as we turned toward the train station and left the café behind us. "I have to work until six tonight."

"Why do you have all these jobs again?"

"I thought I told you to mind your own business about that."

"And I thought we were pretending to be friends."

I rolled my eyes. "I'm just saving up to get my own apartment."

"What would you need a full apartment for?" he laughed. "You don't even own enough stuff to fill one room. Speaking of which…"

He stopped suddenly, searching through his backpack for something.

"Here we go!" he shouted, pulling out a small, brown teddy bear with a smile stitched on its face. "This is for you," he told me, holding it out.

I slowly took it from him and stared at its serene, glass eyes in surprise, my heart beating a little faster. It was the first time in years that someone had given me something for no reason.

"Why the hell are you giving me this?"

"I just saw it in the store when we were buying Cherry's present and I thought it was cute," he told me. "I don't have anyone to give it to, so I thought maybe you would like it. Now you have something to fill up that empty space!"

When I looked at him, he was grinning like he always did, like giving me a present was the most normal thing in the world for him. _It probably is. He's just the kind of person who would do something like that for someone he barely knows. _

"Well I have to go this way," he said, pointing in the opposite direction of the station I was going to. "I'll see you at school tomorrow Hikaru-san. Don't forget to introduce me to Cherry ok?"

"I won't," I told him, but he was already walking away to his train.

_ It's so dumb, _I told myself, sticking the teddy bear in my bag as I boarded the train. _It's so random; he doesn't even know if I like stuffed animals. Why would he get this for me of all people? We barely even know each other. What a weird guy. What a stupid, weird guy. _

But when I got home that night, I still stuck the bear on the dresser next to the small bonsai tree, and when I was too full of thought to sleep that night I stared at its small, innocent smile until I finally drifted off.

"Happy Birthday Cherry-san," I greeted her as she walked up to me inside the gates of the college. Her face immediately alighted into a grin to challenge that of the Cheshire Cat as she saw the present I was carrying. Even before she opened the bag she seemed to know what it was, and she practically screamed when she saw Usami-san's signature inside the cover.

"I love it Hikaru!" she shouted joyfully and practically tackled me in a hug. I laughed slightly and let myself smile just a little. It was rare that I got to make someone smile like that.

"Senpai!" she called out as Asahina made his way over to us, his own gift for her in his arms. "Look what Hikaru got for me! Aren't they great?" They had only known each other for a few days and already Cherry had made him feel as though he was our new best friend. Little did she know that Asahina was still meeting with me almost every day to help him win her over.

She stopped right in her tracks when she saw the orchids that he was carrying. "Happy Birthday," he said weakly, deterred by the look on her face before the smile broke out again.

"How did you know I love orchids?" she laughed, "You're such a good friend Senpai! I love it!"

He blushed as she continued to shower us with thanks on our way back to the train station. "Hey Asahina, didn't you mention something about a card too?" I asked slyly. Cherry immediately snatched the card out of the bag and pulled out the movie tickets.

"D-didn't you say you wanted to see it?" Asahina asked shyly.

"Oh my gosh I can't believe you got tickets!" she shouted in reply, "I thought they were all sold out! I would love to go!"

I watched them smile their heart stopping smiles at each other when we finally got to the train. "Have fun guys," I told them as they began walking toward the theatre, leaving me at the station alone.

Cherry waved happily as they walked away and Asahina looked back long enough to wink at me. Ever since the day in the coffee shop we'd come to a silent truce, and the three of us almost managed to look like friends. It was that fact that I blamed for the twinge in my chest as I watched the two of them walk away without me.


	3. Chapter 3

*Author's Note*

Sorry about the change in title (obviously I don't know much about how this website works, but I'm working on it :)). Sorry for the delay with the third chapter as well, I'll try to publish the next one sooner. Thank you so much for reading my story, it really means a lot to me XD. I hope you enjoy it.

* * *

Asahina had been gone for three days when Cherry made me check on him. He hadn't shown up at school in the past three days, and she was starting to get anxious. I was actually glad to have a break from helping him, but somehow I got stuck with the task of making sure he was ok.

"I'm really worried about him Hikaru!" Cherry told me at school that day. "I have work after school though, so I can't go check on him! You have the day off don't you? Come on, I know you like him more than you used to."

It was true, since the day at the coffee shop, Asahina and I had fought less and less, and it still surprised me how cheerful and kind he was when we weren't arguing. Even after knowing him for a few weeks it was as if I was getting to see who he really was for the first time. Spending the days with him and Cherry at school was occasionally enjoyable, and we seemed to develop an almost friendship. Of course, I would never admit that to him, and I still wasn't glad to check up on him.

_Why on earth did I say that I would do this?_ I asked myself as I rang his doorbell that same afternoon. _I get one day off and I have to spend it checking up on this moron. _

"Who is it?" his voice crackled weakly over the telecom.

"It's Hikaru," I told him, "Let me up. I need to make sure you're not on the verge of death."

I finally found him in his bedroom when I entered his apartment. The room was tiny, with only enough room for his bed and a dresser. A window let the afternoon sunshine into the room, but it was halfway closed to block the worst of the scorching sun. Even with the room dark, he was lying in the middle of the bed with the blanket pulled up over his head.

"What's the matter Asahina? Are you sick?"

He groaned at me from under the comforter before lifting his face. It was bright red and his eyes were watery, but he was still smiling at me warmly, as though I was the best person who could be there at that moment. _Why does he insist on smiling at me that way all the time?_

"Hey Hikaru," he answered and immediately flopped back onto the bed as though the mere effort of saying my name almost killed him.

"Whoa, maybe you should go see the doctor," I told him as I pushed the covers aside and felt his forehead, "Your head is hot enough to cook dinner on."

"Mmm dinner," he mumbled and I rolled my eyes. This guy seemed like he was going to pass out, but all he could think about was food.

"Have you seen a doctor yet?"

"Yeah, my medicine's in the bathroom."

I sighed and adjusted the blanket and pillow around him. "Why don't you lie down on your back, you'll be more comfortable."

He shook his head with difficulty against the bed. "I want to keep lying down like this."

"Are you hungry?"

He nodded with equal difficulty.

"I'm sorry about our meeting today Hikaru."

"It's fine, we can make this our meeting. I'll teach you by example what to do for Cherry-san when she's sick. There's no way I'm wasting an afternoon just by taking care of you."

He didn't answer, so I assumed he consented. I went to the kitchen to make him some porridge since I wasn't sure if his stomach could handle much else. I got his medicine from the bathroom and took it back to Asahina's room.

"That looks great," he said weakly when I went back.

"It's just boiled rice."

"I haven't eaten all day."  
I rolled my eyes, "Were you just waiting for me to come over and feed you?"

He smiled, his green eyes peeking out from under the covers, "I was hoping you would."

I didn't smile back, but I felt my heart unexpectedly speed up and shook my head at his joke. His eyes were still dark, turning from a sea green to a forest color and I didn't think he'd have the energy for a lecture. "Here, eat this."

"Aren't you supposed to feed it to me?" he joked as he pulled himself into a sitting position.

"You wish."

"But what if Cherry-san is too weak to eat when she's sick? What if she can barely sit up on her own? Should I let her starve instead of helping her?"

"Well, no…"

"Then you better teach me how."

I groaned and scooped out the food, "Fine, open up. And speaking of Cherry-san, how did the movie go?" I asked as I started feeding him. "You never mentioned it."

"It was fun, I guess," he replied, looking out the window like something was bothering him.

"You guess? Was it not everything you expected it to be?"

"No, it was. That's why it was so disappointing," he sighed. "It just felt like going to the movie with a friend. There was no…spark."

_Why does that make me happy?_ I wondered._ Wasn't this my plan, getting them together?_ I shook my head slightly to dislodge the thoughts, and decided to stop questioning him.

It took twice as long to feed him than it would have if he had agreed to feed himself and by the time he had finished it, he had lost almost all of his energy. I made him lie back down and take his medicine while I went to wash the dishes.

_Why the hell is my heart beating like this? It's just Asahina being stupid as usual, what am I so worked up about?_ I asked myself as I scrubbed the dishes and stuck them back into their cupboards.

When I came back he was there on his stomach again. _What the hell is up with this guy anyway? Why can't he lie down on his back like a normal person?_

"Can you sit here for a while Hikaru?"

I sighed and shook my head, but I went and sat next to him anyway. It wasn't like I had anything better to do.

"Hikaru- san," he sighed cautiously, and I could tell he was about to ask me something personal, "is there anyone that you love? I never actually noticed you with a girl, and I haven't seen you with any family or anything."

"What brought this on?" I asked with a laugh, but he didn't even smile. For once he was serious.

"You don't have to answer if you don't want to."

"No it's ok…"

I thought for a minute about all the people in my life. Cherry, Usami, and Hiroki had been my friends for years, Misaki had barely spoken to me since that first night, no one at the orphanage sent letters anymore. My parents, my family…

"There's only one person I'd say I ever loved," I finally decided, "and I killed them."

He looked at me in surprise, "What do you mean?"

_Shit, why did I go tell him something like that? It's none of his business; why would he even care? After all the time I spend hiding it, why would I just tell him for no reason?_ I yelled at myself silently.

I couldn't look at him anymore so I looked out of the window and tried to fight the lump of emotion in my throat. My uncle's face flashed in my mind and I shook my head to clear it away. I wished my brain came with a wall so I could block out the thoughts I didn't want. All the shaking was giving me a headache.

"I think I know what you mean," Asahina finally whispered. I looked at him, utterly shocked, "What? You mean you killed someone?"

"No," he laughed, "Of course not, it's just that my mom died right before my Junior year. It was when she was giving birth to my sister so my sister always thought it was her fault. She always used to say that she was the one who killed our mom. It took a couple of years before she stopped blaming herself."

I was shocked. Asahina always seemed so happy; I never would've imagined that he lost someone important to him. I couldn't imagine how he could be so cheerful living with that loss. I wondered if he had ever spent the nights like I did, thinking of her, too filled with memories to sleep.

"You know, it really isn't your fault. Stuff like that can't be controlled, and if it could, I know there's no way you would ever wish it on anyone. You're too kind for that," he mumbled, his voice muffled by the sheets he'd buried his face in.

_He thinks I'm the kind one? No, I'm not like his sister. Everything that happened was definitely my fault. There's no way he would ever understand. _

I didn't say any of this out loud though. Instead I murmured, "I'm sorry Asahina; I had no idea. That must have been really hard for you. I-I mean," I stuttered as he fixed his sickly green gaze on me, "you must miss her."

I couldn't read his expression on his feverish face but he slowly began to smile at me, almost like he was thanking me. I turned back to the window.

"I…I miss her sometimes. Especially now that I don't see my sister, she's so much like her."

I listened quietly as he described his mother and sister, sweet, easy-going, always smiling and laughing. To me it was like he was describing himself.

"She used to stay with me all the time when I was sick. She would make the porridge like you did and sing to me and rub my back until I fell asleep. That's why I feel more comfortable on my stomach. I miss her the most when I'm sick. Isn't it funny?" he laughed sadly, "The little things you remember that make you miss them the most?"

He had difficulty saying the last few words and I could tell he was close to tears. Gently, I laid my hand on his back and began rubbing it softly in circles. For some reason, it seemed natural, like I had taken care of him my whole life. We sat there quietly until he started to murmur something and I stopped rubbing his back, afraid he thought it was weird.

"Please don't stop," he whispered chokingly.

I started rubbing again. "What were you just saying?" I asked.

"I asked if you could sing."

"I don't sing Asahina."

"Can you try?"

I sighed, but began singing anyway. "Goodnight my angel, time to close your eyes, and save these questions for another day. I think I know what you've been asking me. I think you know what I've been trying to say…"

He closed his eyes and smiled as he listened silently to the song. It had been the lullaby my uncle had sung to me when I went to live with him. Despite what followed, the song always managed to calm me.

"My mom used to sing me that song," Asahina whispered when it was over, "How did you know that?"

"I didn't," I told him, mildly surprised, "It was just a song my uncle sang to me." I moved to stand up, but Asahina grabbed my wrist.

"Sorry," he said, blushing. Until now I hadn't noticed the tears on his face, still buried in the mattress. "Could you stay just a little longer?"

I nodded and began singing and rubbing his back again; and it wasn't long before he was fast asleep.

* * *

_I was standing in the kitchen doorway, gasping for air. I didn't know why I was breathing so hard, and I didn't remember how I had gotten into the room in the first place, but somehow I knew that I was standing in the kitchen of my first home where I'd lived with my parents. At first, I didn't notice how huge the furniture was, towering over me by hundreds of feet. The counters were like canyon walls; the table legs were taller than water towers. I didn't even notice the light, a mixture of the brightest noon sun and the darkest hour of midnight dyeing the room an unnatural purple color. The only thing real to me was my ragged breathing, my racing pulse, my pounding heart, and the fear. _

_ The footsteps were felt before I could see the feet, making the floor buckle and roll like stormy waves under my feet. Despite my aching legs I dashed for the safety of the table, knowing that the feet causing the earthquake would appear in the black rectangle of a door across from me, adorning biker boots as black and dirty as melted tar. Silver skulls would flash on the buckles, laughing silently as they anticipated the pain they would soon bring me, and then…it was too horrible to imagine._

_ The table was too tall, too easy to see under, there was no way it would protect me. But what could I do? There was nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. All I could do was watch as the familiar boots entered through the doorway and make their way toward me, and I knew they already knew where I was. It was like they could smell my sweat and fear. _

_ That's when the rain began, but it wasn't normal rain. It wasn't drops of water that fell from the sky, but pieces of metal. Some of it was shapeless and metamorphic, like pieces of melted shrapnel; some was shaped into huge, heavy things like cars and safes. Most of it was knives. Knives of all shapes and sizes: long knives, short knives, stained knives, glinting knives, knives dripping blood. _

_ The tile gave way beneath me, and I was falling. I fell past a woman, dangling from the rope that had been tied around a fan, twirling slowly in a macabre circle, as if she was dancing with death. Papers were falling around me, a storm of suicide notes, obituaries, and death notices. No, not papers now, but eyes, bright blue, empty eyes. _

_ I finally landed in the seat of a car. I was behind the wheel, my inexperienced hands shaking from the weight of holding two lives, mine and my uncle's. He was in the seat next to me, cherry-faced and snoring drunkenly. The wipers were pushing rain off the windshield, but it was replaced immediately as the storm grew worse and worse; I couldn't find the button for the headlights. _

_ Suddenly, there it was, glowing green in the black car. I pushed it without taking my eyes off the road where they illuminated the tail end of a car only a few feet ahead of us. Panic seized me and I shouted some word I couldn't remember ever learning. Maybe it wasn't a real word at all. I jerked the wheel to the side as hard as I could, and we were skidding. The tires screeched, the rain pounded, my uncle snored, I screamed. Now we were rolling, glass shattered, seats buckled, seatbelts tore, metal smashed, paper rolling in the windows, blue eyes watching from the moonless night, watching as we died…_

It was the sound of my own screaming that pulled me out of the nightmare. I was gasping, sweat pooling around my eyes as I frantically pushed away the covers and sat up. My eyes darted around the room, searching for the knives and blue eyes I was sure were surrounding me, hanging over my shoulders. But there was nothing, and slowly I began to realize where I was, not a kitchen or a dark car, but in Usami-san's apartment. I was in a city miles away from the house and the accident, with moonlight shining through the windows and soft sheets surrounding me. I was safe here.

So why were my hands still trembling?

_Stop freaking out!_ I commanded myself _It was just a stupid nightmare, you've had one every day for years! Why is this one making you so upset? _

I knew the answer immediately: Asahina. I wasn't sure if it was the song or hearing about his mother or his question about my loved ones, but I knew it was his fault that I'd had the worst nightmare I'd had in a year.

Suddenly a rectangle of light appeared on the wall across from me and I looked up to see Usami-san leaning against the door frame.

"Are you okay Hikaru-san?" he asked gently, "I thought I heard a scream."

"I-I'm fine."

"You're crying," he pointed out. I hadn't even noticed the briny tears chilling my face and I wiped them away quickly, focusing my gaze on my knees.

"What are you doing up so late anyway?" I asked quietly.

"Working. Are you sure you're ok?"

"I said I'm fine."

"If you want I could-"

"Usami-san!" I snapped, pulling my knees up to my chest. "I _said_ I'm fine ok?! Just…just leave me alone! I don't need you taking care of me!"

I could feel the tears building in my eyes again as he stood there quietly. _Please just go away. Please just leave. I'm not supposed to let anyone see. _

"As you wish," he said finally, and the light slowly disappeared as the door swung shut, leaving me alone in the dark. I tried to swallow the lump in my throat, I tried to reason the tears away, but they still slipped free. That's when I spotted the teddy bear, still smiling comfortingly from the moonlit dresser.

I reached out with shaky hands and clutched it to my chest, burying my face into its stomach. It still smelled like Asahina, a mix of laundry detergent and a small amount of cologne, and my racing heart finally began to slow.

_It's okay, _the voice said as I laid back down on the mattress, still clutching the bear tightly. _You're safe now. Everything's alright. _

I wish I could've believed it.

* * *

I wasn't sure when I fell asleep, but when I woke up I was still holding the bear tightly. Sunlight poured through the window, lighting every corner of the room and making it glow. The sheets were tucked around me and I felt warm in the comfort of the bed. It seemed impossible now that I had imagined eyes watching me from the corners as birds chirped outside.

There was no sign of Usami-san and for a minute I wondered if he'd been a part of the dream too. I almost wished he had. The embarrassment of my scream the night before filled me from head to toe and made me flush. _Shit! Why'd I have to do that?! It was just a stupid dream! How could I let it scare me so much? I wasn't supposed to let anyone see!_

It wasn't until I was dressed and studying my red eyes in the mirror that I heard voices downstairs.

"Poor Hikaru," I heard Misaki saying softly, "no wonder he's having nightmares."

"Misaki, don't tell him that I told you anything. He would never forgive me if he knew I was telling you about his childhood. He wants to keep it a secret."

"Why?"

"I think it's because-"

I slammed the door open suddenly, cutting him off mid sentence. Usami-san and Misaki both looked up at me, startled. Misaki's face went red, and he turned to look at the carpet as I made my way down the stairs. The tension was thick enough to choke on.

My face and eyes were still red, and I could feel my anger and humiliation raging inside of me, but I faced them with my default apathetic expression. "I'm sorry for the way I behaved last night," I apologized dully. "It was childish, and I promise it will never happen again. I will do my best to be out of your way soon." I stated the lines like I was reading them from a script, keeping all emotion out of my voice. I bowed deeply. "Please excuse my behavior," I finished, and started for the door.

"Hikaru-kun! Wait!" Usami-san yelled in such a commanding voice that I stopped, but I still refused to face him.

"What?"

"About what I told Misaki…"

"I didn't know you told him anything."

"Don't lie. Look, it's ok to tell people what happened. It's ok to be sad."

"I'm not sad."

"Yes you are! You're sad but you won't let anyone help you."

"I'm fine."

He grabbed my arm and yanked me around, trying to make me face him, but I kept my gaze on the floor.

"You want to stop acting like a child? Then stop trying to run from what happened and face it! Stop pushing us all away!"

I felt like I'd been slapped. The words knocked the anger right out of me, leaving nothing behind but hurt; and that scared me most of all. I didn't have the energy to fight anymore, I couldn't keep pushing. I just wanted to be left alone.

"Go back to Misaki Usami-san," I told him finally, ripping my arm out of his grasp and hurrying for the door.

"Hikaru-kun, don't-" I slammed the door before he could finish his sentence.

* * *

"I figured out how to pay you back for everything you've done for me," Asahina announced as soon as I entered the apartment a couple of weeks after the nightmare incident. He had been obsessed with paying me back for the help I had given him in wooing Cherry-san after I refused payment. My pride was beginning to take its toll on my wallet though as I had already been forced to quit two jobs in order to help him. At this rate, there was no way I'd be able to move to my own apartment by my birthday, which was now only a couple of weeks away.

"How is that Asahina?" I sighed wearily, walking into the kitchen where the usual cup of tea was waiting for me. This had become a tradition for us, I came in so tired and grumpy I could kill someone and he gave me a big mug of tea to wake me up. Today he was sitting at the table, his almost-finished homework spread out in front of him. He was smiling broadly, as though he had solved world hunger.

For some reason, this smile made my hands shake as I picked up my tea. Ever since I had taken care of him when he was sick, my body started doing weird things when he was around. My face flushed, my hands started shaking, my heart started beating faster. I wondered if I had caught whatever illness he had.

"I'm going to make you take a break so we can go out!" he informed me excitedly. I groaned. Honestly the thought of going anywhere with Asahina just made me feel more tired.

"I can't go out Asahina," I told him.

"Why not?"

"I don't have any money."

"I'm paying; otherwise, it wouldn't really be repayment would it?"

"I have homework."

"It's the weekend, do it tomorrow."

"I would rather focus on helping you get Cherry-san to date you so I don't have to keep wasting time with this nonsense."

Asahina clapped and winked at me, mischief flashing in his green eyes._ Crap, he definitely has something up his sleeve._

"I knew you would say that Hikaru-san," he laughed, "and I have it all planned out. It'll be practice for my first date with Cherry-san. That movie didn't really count, since she thought we were only going out as friends after all."

I groaned and dropped my face into my hands. Sometimes, there was just no point in arguing with Asahina.  
"If you insist on dragging me out somewhere, just what exactly do you have in mind? Having me pretend to be Cherry-san? So much for repayment."

"You're the one who's all business all the time. I was thinking we could go to the zoo today. There's supposed to be a lion training show or something like that."

My heart skipped in my chest when I heard this. The only thing in the world that I could say I have a passion for is animals. Ever since I was little I had wanted a pet more than anything and since that was pretty much impossible, I had made do with zoos, tv shows, and research instead. Even now I was studying to be a vet at the university.

Asahina laughed when he saw my expression. "You're studying veterinary science, so you really like animals right? I take it you've been too busy with jobs and homework to be able to see the zoo here yet."

He was right, I hadn't had enough money or time to see it. Suddenly, the idea of spending the afternoon on a pretend date didn't sound so bad.

"Fine," I sighed, trying my best to continue sounding blasé, but my heart was still pounding against my ribs in excitement.

"Great!" he shouted, obviously not as worried as I was about sounding apathetic, "We can leave whenever you want."

"Now's fine," I said quickly, standing so fast my chair almost tipped over behind me. Asahina laughed as he went to quickly put on his shoes.

"Hey, Asahina," I asked suddenly before I could change my mind, "Why is it so important for you to 'make it up to me' anyway?"

He hesitated and blushed down at his shoes, "You'd just make fun of me if I told you."

"I'd probably make fun of you anyway."

"I-I guess I just…want to make you smile again. I want to see you smile the way you did at the café that day."

Now it was my turn to start blushing. "W-why would you want to see me smile?"

"I-I don't know; I just do! Maybe it has something to do with…" he stopped suddenly and shook his head before turning to the door, "Never mind. It's stupid."

I would have pressed him for an answer, or at least asked him what he was going to say, but that would have made me sound like I wanted something, something more. I wasn't even sure if that was true or not yet. So instead I kept my mouth shut as I followed him out the door.

The zoo was packed that day. Apparently the entire city had heard of the show they were putting on that afternoon. It took almost two hours for us to finally make it inside. Immediately, I dragged him away from the crowd and toward the bird house. Large crowds had always made me uncomfortable. I could barely even handle being with one person.

"You didn't really want to see the lion show did you?" I asked.

He shook his head. "Not really, I just thought it would be a cool place to spend the afternoon. I like animals." I wondered if he really meant it, or if he had sensed my anxiety, and said it to be nice. It seemed like something he'd do.

I was surprised to find in the next couple of hours that I was having more fun than I had for a long time, probably for as long as I could remember. Something about all the animals made me relax and I found myself actually smiling and laughing without having to force the emotion onto my face. Even Asahina wasn't bothering me as much as he usually did, and for once I played along with his jokes instead of merely rolling my eyes.

We had visited the pond, bird house, monkey room, and reptile section before we finally made our way to the big cat area. We had waited until the crowds left, and by then it was already dark out. The ground was littered with pieces of trash, buckets, pieces of popcorn, and broken peanut shells. The stars were twinkling above us, and the place felt peacefully deserted in the litter of the earlier excitement. Distantly, I could hear the music from the carousel and the laughter of children.

For the first time since arriving, Asahina and I fell into a comfortable silence. When we finally made it to the lion cage, they were all sleeping, worn out by the performance. I laced my fingers through the wire cages and watched their breath rise in little clouds in the cold air.

"I'm going to sit down for a minute ok?" Asahina said and I nodded, not really listening. I was thinking of the last time I'd seen a lion, or visited a zoo at all. I was only four and my uncle had taken me to get my mind off my parents, and it was the first time I could remember being happy. I was finally knocked out of my trance by Asahina sighing quietly behind me, and I turned to see him staring up at the sky.

Maybe it was the fact that lions are my favorite animals, zoos are my favorite places, or the night was turning out to be more fun than I thought was possible, but something about him being there with me made my heart jump. In the light from the distant rides, he looked almost like he was glowing. His green eyes and brilliant smile seemed soft and inviting, which I suppose is why I went to sit next to him. We looked silently at the stars together, until he pointed up suddenly.

"That's Orion," he said quietly, meaning the group of stars he was pointing out, "and that one's the big dipper."

"Do you know all the constellations?" I asked.

"Yeah, my mom taught me all of them when I was little. That's why I'm studying to become an astronomy teacher. It's just… everyone has always looked up there for the answers, and it sounds crazy, but maybe there really is one up there, you know? I want to find out what it is, and I want to show it to everyone else."

I glanced at him from the corner of my eye. His own green eyes were reflecting the lively stars above us. He was a dreamer; that much was certain. He was a flirt too, but also kind and accepting and he seemed to truly see things for what they were. And suddenly I wished I could be more like him, or at least keep him around long enough for some of it to rub off on me.

"There's nothing crazy about that." I whispered, not really sure if I was talking to him or reassuring myself. He smiled at me, not the usual dopey grin, but a soft smile. For some reason I got the feeling that this smile wasn't seen as often, and was a little more genuine.

"Do you hate me Hikaru-san?" he asked when he turned his smile back to the sky. The question didn't take me by surprise. It was almost like I was expecting him to ask me something important, and the answer came quickly and easily.

"Of course I don't hate you. I know I can be a jerk, but I don't always say everything I'm thinking, you know?"

He smirked playfully at me, "So what do you really think of me Hikaru-san?"

A tidal wave of descriptions crashed into my head; kind, cheerful, strong, friendly, loving…I couldn't think of just one.

"I think you're…amazing," the words slipped out before I could stop them, and I immediately hated myself for what I had said. _Why are you suddenly getting so sappy and sentimental? This is Asahina, the annoying kid who won't leave you alone. The one who treats you like his best friend even though you barely know each other; he's the one who is using you to get closer to Cherry-san._

He didn't say anything after that, and I was both grateful and unsettled by the silence. Part of me wanted to know exactly what he was thinking, part of me was too embarrassed to even imagine.

"That means a lot coming from you," he finally said softly, "You're a lot kinder than you pretend to be Hikaru-san." He paused then said, "I think you're amazing too."

_Do you see? _The voice asked._ Why can't you just let yourself be happy for once? You deserve it more than you realize. What is it you really want?_

The answer that immediately came into my head took me completely by surprise. _I want Asahina. _

He was still smiling at me gently and our hands had met sometime while we were talking, our fingers intertwined. Suddenly, I was terrified. I jerked my hand away and stood up so fast my head started to spin. _No, I can't. I don't love Asahina, I DON'T LOVE ASAHINA! He wants Cherry-san. They deserve each other. I don't want this. _

I pretended not to notice Asahina's hurt expression as I stuttered out an excuse. "M-my stomach is starting to hurt," I lied, "Is it ok if we head back?"

"Oh, of course," he said as he stood and lightly set his hand on my head, "I still have medicine at my house. You can have some of that if you want it. We'll get back right away."

He was grinning like a dope again, like he usually did. I wondered if he didn't even notice how close we had just been, how our fingers had become laced together. For some reason, the thought made my chest ache.

* * *

"So, Cherry-san tends to like beaches more than zoos, but I still think there's something we can take away from this afternoon," I lectured Asahina as we made our way back to his apartment. Since leaving the lion cage, I had been growing more and more distant, focussing on my origional goal. It was my job to get Asahina and Cherry-san together; they would be happier that way. The best way to look at someone is logically and objectively in cases like this.

"For example," I continued, "The way you offered to pay was great, a little imposing, but she kind of enjoys that. Also, it was a good idea to offer food, but for the record she loves packaged bentos and cotton candy, so those would be good to suggest. Keep being active too, she's more of a doer and is easily excited, so don't get too lethargic." I continued lecturing until we finally got to his door, "Any questions?"

"There's only one thing I'm really worried about," Asahina admitted, turning his face down and fiddling with his fingers like he always did when he was embarrassed. "I don't really know what to do at the end of the date, like if I should kiss her, or how to kiss her," he admitted and turned to me with a beseeching look, "Can we practice?"

I felt my face flush and my heart start beating on my ribs again. "Um, Asahina, in case you haven't noticed, we're both guys. I'm not Cherry-san, and no offense, but I didn't exactly picture my first kiss being with you."

"Oh, I wouldn't actually kiss you!" he cried, "I was just thinking you could pretend to be Cherry-san; we'd just get to the point where I _would _kiss you, but not actually do it, you know?"

"Asahina I really don't think-"

"Hikaru-san, _please_?" He actually looked truly nervous and pathetic, and I felt my chest clench. _Would he be this nervous if _I _was the one he was going to kiss?_

_ No, don't even think about it. _

"If you're really that nervous, its fine," I groaned, "but let's go inside ok?"

"S-sure!" He cried again, dopey grin and all.

I took a breath as I stepped into the hallway as the door softly clicked shut behind me. Asahina moved to flip the light switch, but I grabbed his wrist.

"Don't turn on the lights ok? It's already weird enough." Without meaning to, I whispered this. _Get a grip!_ I scolded myself.

"Ok," Asahina breathed behind me. I sighed and turned around to face him. I let my features soften and my mouth turn up into a gentle smile. I turned my face down and peeked up at him through my long bangs, trying my best to look the way I figured Cherry would.

"I had a really nice time today, Asahina," I whispered with a slightly higher pitch. At first he looked surprised. Even in the dark, it seemed like his green eyes were glowing, as though they were lit from their own special light from the inside. I had to reign myself in to keep in character. Finally, the soft smile I saw at the zoo appeared on his face again. He looked truly happy.

"I had a good time with you too, Hikaru-san," he whispered, softly placing his hands on the sides of my face. I was about to pull away, thinking this was as far as he was going to let it go, but before I could his lips were on mine. They were soft, yet firm and his tongue slipped into my mouth before I could respond. My hands started to shake; my heart jumped into my throat; I was so shocked I lost my balance only to find Asahina's arms around me, holding me up.

I could feel myself slipping away. Without knowing it, I had let my arms wrap themselves around Asahina's neck, pulling him closer. He kept pressing in, closer and closer…

_What do you think you're doing? This is Asahina! He's supposed to be Cherry's boyfriend, not yours! You don't deserve him, you don't deserve anyone!_

I felt my heart wrench as I quickly shoved Asahina away. We were both gasping while our minds processed what had just happened. I felt the fear pulsing inside me again. He looked just as surprised as I did about what he had done, and was looking at me as though he couldn't believe I was really there. Like _I _had been the one who had kissed _him. _I waited for him to break the silence, but for once he had nothing to say.

"Why did you do that?" I finally demanded. "You said you wouldn't really kiss me! I don't know what that was to you, but that's what I've always called kissing! And why did you say _my _name instead of Cherry's?! What the hell were you thinking?!"

"I don't know," he whispered, suddenly very focused on something at his feet. "I'm sorry, Hikaru-san, but…you kissed me back, didn't you?"

"D-don't imagine things! I would never kiss you! If you want someone to make out with, go find Cherry-san!"

"I don't _want_ to kiss Cherry anymore!"

"What are you trying to say?"

"Isn't it obvious?!"

I didn't have anything to say after that. I wanted to laugh, cry, and yell all at the same time. Fear and joy battled in my chest; desire and logic battled in my brain. I turned my face away, glaring at the ground. _Don't let this get to you! It's a trick; a joke! There's no way someone would _want _to kiss you. _

"W-why do you do this Hikaru?!" he pleaded as my face hardened. "One minute you're all sweet and cute, and the next you put up this wall and act like you don't care! I don't understand you at all!"

"No one asked you to try!" I yelled back as I pushed past him to the door.

"Hikaru-san!" his fist slammed the door above my head, making me freeze. He leaned in behind me, like he was going to tell me a secret. I felt his breath on my neck, and despite myself, my heart stopped.

"I see right through you," he whispered. His words were like cold water, chilling me to the bone. My body was frozen, my thoughts were frozen; even the voice in my head wasn't saying anything. Before I really knew what was happening I had pushed open the door and was running down the sterile hallway.

"Hikaru-san! Please wait! Hikaru-san!" I could hear him calling after me, but I kept running, skipping down the steps and almost running right into other tenants. In seconds I was out the front door and dashing down the street, running as though death himself was chasing me.


	4. Chapter 4

It had been two weeks, and I still hadn't said one word to Asahina. I had left my bag at his place that night, only to find it waiting for me in my first class on Monday. We didn't have many classes together, as he was studying astronomy while I was taking zoology, so we didn't really have any awkward run-ins. Of course, we did glimpse each other in the hallways, but we both looked away quickly.

Cherry-san seemed confused by our refusal to talk to each other anymore. She spent her days alternating between me and Asahina, trying to find out what had happened. I never told her anything, and I assume he didn't either, because she kept begging me to tell her. As far as I could tell, Asahina hadn't given up on trying to win her over, because he would still talk to her like he always did, taking no more than a second to glance in my direction. I swear they even shared secret looks occasionally.

Even at home there was no one around. I was avoiding Misaki so he couldn't bring up what Usami-san had told him, and when I did see him there was so much pity in his eyes that I immediately turned away. Usami-san still seemed to be upset about the nightmare incident and still wasn't talking to me. He sure knew how to hold a grudge. I was completely alone those two weeks, but it didn't matter; loneliness suited me better anyway.

On the morning of my eighteenth birthday I left before anyone else was awake. Walking down the hallway, I couldn't help but notice that Misaki's door was wide open, and the bed was made. It was like no one had slept in it at all. Usami-san's door was also open just a crack, and I could have sworn there were two people in the bed as I walked by, wrapped in each other's arms. I shut the door the rest of the way.

Outside it was already beginning to rain. For now it was just a sprinkling, but by that evening the weather man had promised the biggest storm of the past two years. I hoped he was right.

This early in the morning the streets were almost deserted, with no more than a few lonely stragglers and men who had obviously been up all night yelling into their cell phones. No one bothered looking at each other, just stared down onto the cold concrete sidewalk, as if this was where they'd find the answers to whatever questions they had. I remembered what Asahina had said at the zoo about how we used to look up for the answers. Now we look down. Or maybe that's just me.

The first stop of the day was the nearby flower shop that advertised being open extra-early for all those procrastinators who forgot to get a gift for their spouse or friend until the very day it was needed. I couldn't help but notice the familiar vases of roses and orchids that I passed on my way to the mourning lilies in the back corner.

"Didn't I see you here a few weeks ago?" the girl behind the counter asked me as I dumped the money for the flowers out onto the counter. I shrugged and counted out the coins.

"I think I did, you were here with your friend I think. He was buying flowers for his girlfriend or something like that."

I shrugged again, sliding the change into my pocket.

"You know, I get off work here in a few minutes. Would you like to go somewhere with me? Maybe we could go get a coffee or something."

I didn't even bother looking at her. Instead, I grabbed the receipt and flowers, only giving her enough attention to mutter an excuse about being busy. Outside, I happened to catch my reflection in the glass window. My hair was darker and shaggier than ever, my long bangs shielding my bright blue eyes. Black jeans and a black t-shirt hung over my skinny, pale body hiding scar on my chest. I was lost in the shade of black.

I pushed my hair back and stared into my blue eyes, wondering if I would see my soul looking back at me this time. Instead I saw a memory of my mother standing over me, her same blue eyes flashing in anger as she brought her fist down on me again and again. I let my hair fall back, and walked away from the reflection, pulling out my list of destinations as I made my way toward the subway station.

First, my uncle's house. Then I'd walk by the place Usami-san, Hiroki-san, and I would meet as kids. Then I'd stop by the orphanage, and maybe the high school if there was time. The last stop would be the cemetery, and the graves.

I sped up as I saw the entrance for the subway only a few shops away. I had to hurry; it was going to be one of those days.

* * *

By the time I was on my way to the cemetery, I was completely soaked. Just as the weather report said, it had rained all day as I made my way through the towns of my childhood, and even the long train ride back to the city wasn't long enough for my clothes to dry.

_I'll stop by Usami-san's before I go to the cemetery _I decided. _I don't have anything else planned today, I'm sure if I hurry I can catch the train there. _

When I finally got back to Usami's I pressed my ear to the door quietly, hoping he and Misaki were out. I didn't hear anything, but when I got inside I still slipped off my shoes as silently as I could. It was then that I heard someone shouting from the direction of the living room.

"Seriously, where is he?" I could hear Cherry ask from the other side of the door. _Shit, what are they all doing here, today of all days?!_ I didn't dare venture into the rest of the apartment to get to my room. Instead, I sat in the entryway. I knew I should leave, I already had my suspicions on how this would turn out, and I didn't want to be there for it, but for some reason I couldn't make myself leave.

"I told you he wasn't going to be here Cherry-san," Usami-san told her exasperatedly. "No one ever sees him on his birthdays."

"Yeah, but why?!" Cherry whined, "This is the first year I even knew _when_ his birthday was! He wouldn't even let me do anything for him! And when I finally do he doesn't even show up! I mean, he's always gloomy but he's even worse around his birthday! Why?!"

_It must be a surprise party or something_, I realized. _Leave it to Cherry-san to think of something like this. No wonder she and Asahina kept exchanging looks like that!_

"Cherry-san, please don't say stuff like that," Asahina murmured, and I felt my heart drop. _Shit, didn't I make it clear to him before that I didn't want him coming back here? What if Usami-san tells them something? _But there was nothing I could do but sit and listen.

"It's not like it isn't a good reason…" Usami-san started, "He has every reason in the world to hate his birthday."

"Well what is it?!" Cherry cried, "Does he hate us so much he won't even spend his birthday with us?!"

"I don't know if it's our place to say…" Misaki said, but that just made Cherry angrier.

"So _you _know what's going on, but I've been his friend for six years and he still doesn't trust me?"

"It's because of his parents." Usami-san finally snapped. I sucked in my breath. _Here we go. _

"What do you mean his parents?" Asahina asked softly.

"He never had…a good family life," Usami-san began, "When he was born, his parents weren't very pleased to have a child."

"W-what do you mean?" Asahina whispered, but I already knew he was catching on.

Usami-san took a deep breath, "they beat him," he finally informed them and it went eerily silent. "Since he was born, they would beat him, sometimes for no reason at all. He never told anyone, but finally when he was four, on his birthday actually, it got really bad. His dad had a knife, and he finally screamed for help. A neighbor heard and called the cops. They arrested both his parents and they got life in prison," Usami-san told them in his objective voice. He had always been particularly disturbed by my situation, and tried his best not to get too emotional when he told the story.

"But…he didn't go to the orphanage until he was twelve," Cherry whispered, "We were both the new kids together."

I heard Usami-san sigh again. _Go ahead, Usami-san just tell them everything. There's no reason to stop now. _

"Well, after his parents went to jail he went to live with his uncle. That's when I met him, and he seemed to be much happier for a while. But about a year after he moved in, he began acting strangely again. He became really depressed and quiet for a while, completely different from the cheerful kid he was before. We didn't find out till later that was when his mom and dad committed suicide in prison on his fifth birthday, their one year anniversary of being arrested. I think Hikaru blamed himself for it, but we all tried to convince him it wasn't his fault."

"_He_ felt guilty because his parents were arrested for abusing _him_?" Asahina whispered. Usami-san didn't answer.

The room was silent after that._ Go ahead, Usami-san tell them_, I thought desperately,_ Tell them how it felt to have those men staring at me with their cold eyes, telling me my parents were dead. Tell them how the only thing it said in their note was that it was my fault; that they'd rather die than see me again. Tell them about the way my uncle would look after that, like there was no reason to live anymore. _I couldn't cry, my vapid, soulless eyes wouldn't let me, but I covered my face with my hands while Usami-san finished telling the story. It was far from over.

He didn't mention the note, or the officers. Instead, he moved on to the rest of the story. "His uncle was in bad shape after what happened. Hikaru's aunt had already committed suicide before, and he couldn't handle that his sister had done the same thing, so he became an alcoholic. He lost his job, his friends, and he spent all the money they had on alcohol. Hikaru was only in elementary school, but he was forced to take jobs to keep them going. I don't really know how, but he managed to keep them alive, and his uncle still treated him well even if he wasn't very responsible. We thought maybe he could be happy for good this time.

"But on Hikaru's twelfth birthday, which also happened to be the seventh anniversary of his mom's suicide, his uncle went out to a bar and got so drunk they took away his keys and wouldn't let him drive home. He called Hikaru and he had to go out in the car in a rainstorm to go get him, even though he'd never driven before in his life."

"Did they crash?" Asahina asked in a whisper and I remembered what I'd told him before, _there was only one person I'd say I ever loved, and I killed them. _I could almost hear Usami-san confirm his question with a nod.

"He was only twelve, and no other family member would take him so he was sent to the orphanage in the next town. That's probably where you all went to school together. He just left to go to college and he's been trying to work, but hasn't saved up enough money for his own apartment yet, which is why I offered to let him stay with us for a while. I think…"

Usami-san paused and I could tell he was trying to say the hardest part of all. "He's already tried committing suicide a few times before, and I think it's because he blames himself for everything that happened. He lived through the beatings, the deaths, and the accident, but everyone who he ever considered family died. He thinks it's his fault that he's still alive."

I choked on the words even though I wasn't even the one that spoke them. It was as if there was a brick in my throat and I could barely breathe.

"H-how do you know all this?" Asahina asked and for a minute I thought I heard tears.

"The orphanage told me," Usami-san told him, "I was already off to college when his uncle died, and Hikaru never mentioned it in his letters. But the director told me that Hiroki and I were the only ones he wrote to, so we were probably important enough to him to be informed."

Again, it was silent. I wished someone would say something. All I could hear was the pounding of my heart against its cage, my evil heart that should have stopped long ago. That never should have started at all.

"Where is he?" Asahina asked. I noticed Cherry-san hadn't said anything since Usami-san began telling the story. Maybe she felt guilty for what she had said before. I hoped not, there was nothing for her to feel guilty for. That was my burden to bear alone.

"I don't know, but I think he goes to the cemetery for his birthday. You see, the day he finally screamed for help, the day his parents died, and the day his uncle died in the car wreck were all on his birthday. So, whatever he does, he always spends it alone."

It was silent for a few more minutes which I spent trying to catch my breath. All I could think of was Asahina's face. I had never told someone my story before, and it hurt to think of what his expression would be like. I did my best to force the thoughts out of my head as I began pulling on my soggy shoes again.

_Screw the clothes, _I decided, _I'm just going to get wet again anyway. I have to get out of here. _

I was almost done putting on my shoes when I heard Cherry suddenly speak up. "Where are you going senpai?" she asked, I knew she was talking to Asahina.

"I have to go find him," he replied chokingly.

"I'm not so sure if that's a good idea Asahina-san," I heard Usami-san tell him. "He likes to be alone on these days, he would probably just be angry if you went after him."

"Well has anybody even _tried _before?!" Asahina shouted. Usami-san didn't answer.

I tried to make it out the door before he got to the hallway, but it was too late. I had barely grabbed the flowers when I heard Asahina stop and take in a sharp breath behind me. I slowly turned halfway to see his face.

_Has he been crying?_ I asked myself as I took in the streaks running down his bright red cheeks. He looked as perfect as ever, dressed in a white button-down shirt and jeans, his hair ruffled in all the right places, but it was the look in his eyes that stopped me. His eyes were dark, the way they were when he was embarrassed or sick or angry. The way they were when he was sad. I hated myself more than ever in that moment.

I felt like I should say something, but no words came. Finally, I turned and bolted, just the way I had two weeks earlier. I was always running. No matter how many times my friends reached for me, no matter how many times I felt like I wanted to go back I kept running, but I never escaped. Every time I saw my reflection, I remembered my mother. Every time I saw a brown car like my uncle's, I remembered the nurses at the hospital telling me he was dead. Every time I saw a knife I remembered my dad's face as he lunged at me. I had gotten away from the town my family lived in, I'd left the orphanage; I was in a new city at a new school in a new home. But no matter how far I went they were always there.

There are some things that never go away.

* * *

The train ride to the cemetery was the longest in my life. I kept hearing the words of Usami-san telling my story, stuck in my head like a morbid song. The image of Asahina's face joined it, circling over and over in my head until I knew it by heart.

It was pouring by the time I made it to the graves. The weather man had been right, the storm was definitely the worst that we'd had in a few years. Wind ripped at the branches and leaves of the trees as though it wanted to pull them from the earth and dump them to the nearby ocean. Dirt and leaves spun along the flooded sidewalk while the rain tried to pound them into the ground. Lightning cut through the clouds, lighting up the dark sky and crashing to the sea below. The place was abandoned of course, no one in their right mind would be crazy enough to go there in that kind of weather, but I was thankful to be alone.

I did the best I could to shield the flowers under my shirt, but it didn't do much good. As soon as I had placed them on the graves, they were snatched up by the wind and carried away into the lightning filled sky. I watched the delicate petals being ripped to pieces by the gales before I turned back to the graves before me. The one directly in front of me was my mother's, my dad's on her right and uncle's on the left. I regarded each grave one by one. Finally, I began the apologies that I repeated to them every year.

"Mother, Father," I began quietly, "I'm sorry you got stuck with a child that you didn't want. I'm sorry for whatever I did that made you want to beat me. I'm sorry I screamed that night and got you arrested. I'm sorry you died in prison. I didn't mean for any of it to happen, but I don't blame you for hating me. I'm sure there was a reason for everything that happened, and I want you to know that I only hate myself for causing those terrible things to happen to you."

Finally I got to my uncle. "Uncle Hajime, I'm sorry for what happened to you most of all. You never showed me anything but kindness, even after I caused the death of your sister. You never beat me like mom or dad, or blamed me for their deaths, like you should have. Yet, when you needed me, I repayed you by getting us into that accident! It shouldn't have been you that died, it should have been me! I'm so sorry! I'm so so sorry!"

By now I was crying. The rain was pounding my back and the ground around me, muffling the sounds of my sobs. At some point I had fallen to my knees. My tears mixed with the rain, and I couldn't tell how much of the water on my face was the tears or the rain.

"I'm sorry you all died!" I shouted toward the graves, "It should have been me who died all those times, not you! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I wish I had never been born and caused all this!"

My gut was so filled with self-loathing I forgot all the ones who had heard my story from Usami-san. All I could think of was the usual plans I made on this trip every year to finally end the pain. I just couldn't do it anymore. I didn't deserve any happiness and as soon as I got close to it I could already feel the pain of the loss. All I caused anyone was despair, it would be best to end it all before anyone else could get hurt.

I was lost in these thoughts when I heard a faint voice calling my name.

"Hikaru! Hikaru-san, where are you?!"

By the time I had realized who it was, he had already made it up the steps and was running right to me. I stood up just in time to be tackled by Asahina with so much force my knees gave out and we fell back to the ground.

"Asahina what are you…" I began but was immediately cut off by his screaming.

"I'm sorry Hikaru!" he shouted through the roaring lightning and pounding rain. "I'm sorry I never realized what happened! I should've seen it! I should've seen the pain you were in! I should've known how scared and sad you were! I'm sorry Hikaru! I'm so sorry! Please forgive me!"

I had spent such a long time apologizing that it never occurred to me that there would ever be a reason for someone to apologize to me. _I _was the evil one; I deserved everything bad in the world to happen to me because of what I'd done to my family. I didn't deserve an apology, especially not from Asahina.

"What are you doing here Asahina?" I demanded.

He pulled back from the embrace and looked me right in the eyes. They had that light in them again, like they were lit from the inside by something I couldn't recognize. They looked full, desperate, intense.

"I love you Hikaru-san," he finally whispered, tears starting to fall down his face again. "I love you. I love you. I love you!"

Once again he pulled me close to him, and I could feel his heartbeat against my chest. My mind was frozen; the words refused to take meaning in my head. I couldn't think of anything except his eyes.

"What about Cherry-san?" I whispered.

"I thought I could love her, I really did! But then that day I was sick…I've never let anyone see me that weak. Not since my mom died. I always put on an act for people but you…I don't have to fake anything when I'm with you."

He squeezed me even tighter, and I let myself rest my head on his shoulder.

"I know you're scared Hikaru," he whispered next to my ear, "I'm scared too, but I love you more than anything. Please tell me you feel the same way! Please tell me you'll let me stay with you!"

I was crying again, but not because I was sad this time. Something other than hatred and pain rose in my chest, threatening to carry me away. _I want to be with him forever _I realized. Soon, his lips were on mine, and the world around us began to fade away. _I love you Asahina _I told him silently, _I love you more than I thought was possible. I couldn't bear it if I ever hurt you. _

Without thinking, I began to kiss him back. His body was blocking the wind and rain, and for the first time all day, I felt warm. It was then that I saw the tomb stones. _You don't deserve him! _They shouted at me, _You don't deserve anyone! You're a murderer! You ruined your family! No one will ever be safe with you around! You deserve nothing but loneliness!_

Once again, I shoved Asahina away from me, looking down so I wouldn't have to see his face.

"Hikaru-san, please don't do this," he pleaded.

"I can't Asahina! I don't even know _how_ to love anyone! Usami-san told you himself, everyone I love dies! I killed them! All of them! If you love me, then you're going to end up just like them!" I screamed hysterically and pushed him away before springing to my feet. "If you love me," I continued as I started running again, "then you're just going to end up getting hurt!"

"Hikaru-san!" he shouted, following after me, "Please don't do this! I won't hurt you like they did!"

_You don't understand! I was the one who hurt them! Why don't you stay away from me?! Why can't you see how evil I am?!_

I ran as fast as I could through the wind and rain until I made it to the chaos of the city. People bumped and jostled me, passing by in a blur. Bright lights flashed in and out of my sight. Horns were honking, people were shouting, someone was calling my name again and again. The world was a fog, a big, strobing blur. I didn't know where I was going, everything was swimming around, I couldn't focus. It was too bright, too loud, I felt like screaming.

Suddenly a police officer grabbed me by the arms. "What did you do?" he demanded, shoving his face into mine. "Why is that guy chasing you, huh punk?"

"LET GO OF ME!" I screamed, and pushed the man away from me, stumbling backwards off the curb of the sidewalk.

Everything seemed to suddenly be moving in slow motion. I felt my foot slip off the curb behind me, sending me sprawling right into the path of a taxi coming up the road. The officer's face was purple and panicked as he stretched out his hand, trying to catch my arm that was just out of his reach. People stared at me in shock and terror as they saw the car coming toward me. Last of all, I saw Asahina, his eyes bloodshot, clothes soaked, hair windblown, a look of pure panic on his face as he called my name one final time.

_I'm sorry_ I thought as I felt the pain rip through my body as the car made contact, like my body was on fire. _I'm sorry mom, dad, uncle. I'm sorry Usami, Cherry, Misaki. _

_Asahina, I'm sorry._

Then everything disappeared.


End file.
